Quoth The Hedgehog
by Professor V
Summary: SatAM contest entrant. Snively recounts a particularly harrassing Halloween encounter with a drunken Sonic in this bizarre twist on Edgar Allen Poe's famous poem, The Raven.


Here's a little something I've whipped up for a Halloweeny fic contest over on FUS and thought I'd share. Yeah, I know, it's too early for Halloween and too late for Friday the 13th. Just pretend this publication date makes sense and no-one gets hurt. **XP**

Hope y'all enjoy!

Characters belong to SEGA, DiC etc; apologies to Mr Poe.

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**"QUOTH THE HEDGEHOG..."  
**_**Based on the poem "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe.  
**_**Written by Professor Reginald Fortesque Vengeance (Esquire)  
****(Special thanks to Anaesthesia for nitpicks)**

Once upon All Hallows Evey, as I watched the CCTV  
Screens that had been scattered all across the consoles, walls and more,  
I was on the verge of napping, when there suddenly came a tapping,  
Like a warped woodpecker rapping, rapping at the War Room door.  
" 'Tis his Portlyness," I muttered, "Tapping at the War Room door.  
Bloody hell, he's back for more!"

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was just then in September  
When the Freedom Fighter members dug up through the chamber floor  
Looking for "_The Mask of Zorro_", 'twas a vid' they sought to borrow  
Which in turn would cause much sorrow for old Julian Kintobor.  
For it was his favourite movie, so said Dr Kintobor,  
Surname reversed for evermore.

Their success, it wound up certain, and I soon received much hurtin',  
Slapped about in ways by WorkerBot mops never slapped before.  
Now, to stop my heart-attacking, I did fev'rishly start yakking,  
" 'Tis a 4ft steel screen blocking entrance through the War Room door!  
A locked 4ft steel screen blocking entrance through the War Room door!  
Hope I don't need 1ft more!"

Eventually, my soul grew stronger, or I just could cope no longer,  
"Sir!", squeaked I, "I'm sorry! Truly your forgiveness I implore!  
But the fact is I was napping and that you yourself were crapping  
When the video's kidnapping...are you still outside the door?  
Sir, I really cannot hear you!" - here, I opened wide the door.  
Darkness there. No sodding more.

Down the hallway I was peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,  
Doubting, dreaming dreams of mop attacks endured the month before.  
But the silence was unbroken in the distance by a bloke in  
One enormous tirade spoken in the voice of Kintobor.  
"Priority one Hedgehog! Danger!" called out Kintobor,  
Obscenties and much, much more.

Back into the War Room squirming, my bald forehead now a-burning,  
All at once I heard a tapping, even louder than before.  
"Surely", said I, "Surely that is some bird at the window lattice,  
Flown towards it and gone 'splat!' Is this event to be ignored?  
Let my heart not burst just quite yet, this I cannot quite ignore.  
...'tis just the wind. Oh, what a bore."

I had flung open the shutter, when, like some Shop Class wood-cutter,  
In there rolled a rebel Hedgehog from the Acorn rule of yore.  
An obscene hand gesture made he, and no courtesy displayed he  
And instead of tribute pay me, dashed towards the War Room door,  
Spin Dashed through the bust of Ivo perched above the War Room door.  
Spin and "SMASH!" and 'twas no more.

Now, this cobalt rodent's smilin' made me want to retch up bile in  
Just one glance at his smug fizzgog and the lack of clothes he wore.  
"Go away, you air-brained maven! You've just made me strain my GLAIVEN!  
So, run back to your unshaven friends and precious royal whore!  
Tell me what you're planning now that I'll undoubtedly abhore!"  
Quoth the Hedgehog, "Way past cool!"

How I fumed at this ungainly 'hog to hear him oh so plainly  
Wreck the rhyming pattern used in every single verse before.  
As a snobbish human being, I couldn't stand what I was seeing  
As I caught the Hedgehog weeing up against the War Room door,  
Over just beside the busted bust against the War Room door,  
All the time cryin' "Way past cool!"

So the Hedgehog, standing lonely by that busted bust, sung only  
A rude pub song, as more gutter language from his mouth did pour.  
Nothing pleasant did he utter, still behaving like a nutter,  
'til I angrily did stutter, "Stop destroying our decor!  
I will have your guts for garters for destroying our decor!"  
Then the 'hog said, "Way past cool!"

Startled at this brash blue bloke in naught but gloves and sneakers (broken),  
"Damn it!" said I, "I can't take this pandemonium anymore!  
I'll away and tell the master, which for you will spell disaster,  
Followed fast and followed faster by the end of this damned war!  
Your inebriation, Hedgehog, has just cost you all the war!  
Doesn't _that_ sound 'way past cool?' "

But the 'hog I tried to rile into submission was still smiling.  
Straight away, he then did daftly dance beside the bust and door.  
As I caught the rodent winking and my fury started sinking,  
It was then I took to thinking why King Acorn's pal of yore  
Was so drunk, besotted, wasted, stoned; King Acorn's pal of yore  
Once again called "Way past cool!"

So, I thus engaged in guessing, what on Earth it was possessing  
This galoot (whose massive eyes gazed at the War Room's power core)  
To have brain cells fast declining, when I caught him now reclining  
In the Doctor's massive bucket chair with green paint splashed all o'er.  
And cheered he as his quills did scrape the green paint splashed all o'er,  
"This thing's way _way_ past cool!"

Then, methought, the air grew denser and it weren't no church's censer.  
One quick sniff did make make want to just pass out upon the floor!  
"Wretch!" I cried, "How I resent thee! How dare your caboose present me  
With such a ghastly scent emitted from the chair of Kintobor!"  
"Damn, oh, damn your ghastly scent from the chair of Kintobor!"  
Quoth the Hedgehog, "Way past cool!"

"Gitface!" said I, "Thing of evil! Unimportant biscuit weevil!  
Say, that bottle looks famil...it's from the master's private store!  
You damned teens are so undaunted by the fact you all are wanted  
That the two of us you've taunted by removing all our Coors!  
And I'll bet you took the wine and rum along with all our Coors!"  
Quoth the Hedgehog, "...got some more?"

"I will have your head, you farting little twat!" I shrieked, upstarting,  
"Get me back the cans unopened and the bottles yet unpoured!  
All the booze, I want revokin' 'fore this sentence has been spoken  
Or your body will be broken 'fore you ever reach the door!"  
He kicked me in the goolies and ran straight out through the door.  
Quoth the Hedgehog, "WAAAAY past cool!"

And the Hedgehog's smell, not quitting, still is sitting - _still_ is sitting -  
Near the busted bust of Ivo from above the War Room door.  
And Robotnik, he was screaming at the furballs' booze-based scheming  
And his eyes were red and gleaming as he threw me to the floor  
And I thought just as the WorkerBots with mops crossed o'er the floor,  
"I'll do the nightwatch...nevermore!"

**FIN.**

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Have a frightful day, boys and ghouls! **XD**


End file.
